i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
