I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
