I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
