I hate all girls vehemently.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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