Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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