oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
