After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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