News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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