Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
