it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
