How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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