as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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