I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
