then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
