I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
