I've blown a few things in my day
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
