I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
