Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
