he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you never un-have a 4some
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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