You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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