Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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