I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
