after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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