Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
