Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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