i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
