I just threw up on my dentist
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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