I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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