So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
