so explain again why im purple
no
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
