There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
