using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
