On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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