A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
