How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
