living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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