but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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