ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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