There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
