Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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