i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
