This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I want to walk on stilts...naked
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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