I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
