Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am one with the molecules
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We are all done wearing pants today
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