In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
