I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
