tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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