watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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