the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
