WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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