Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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