Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
