Sry I called you an 8
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
