i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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