I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
