So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
